My blog has always felt like my safe place. A place for me to share without fear of judgement, to put my whole self out there in hopes of connecting with at least one person who has felt what I was/am feeling.
Recently my safe place has been invaded. Last week, my mom and I weren’t in the best place, and I blogged about it. Within the next two days I received messages and phone calls from multiple adults who knew me personally, asking me to take it down and telling me I was being “mean” to my mom. [Clarification – the meanest thing they think I said was that I called my mom “nosy,” which isn’t even the word I used. I just pointed out that she had been reading my blog recently and I wondered if she would see the post. The real problem is the difference in privacy preferences to the adults who read the post and myself. Not to sound like an angsty teenager, but they just don’t get it.]
Anyway, this week it’s my ex-boyfriend. The one who was briefly mentioned in this post about Haley (and Noah)? Yeah, well, he commented on that post. Undoubtedly after hearing a lot of nonsense from Haley (and Noah) about the situation, because that’s exactly the type of stuff I have come to expect from them. [In other words, I shouldn’t be (and was only mildly) surprised].
So, there’s something I want to at least get into writing after reading what I read. This feels like the very last step in shutting the door between you and I, so please don’t respond back, and please try to take everything I say to heart. Any message apologizing to you that I’ve sent before had some sort of love for you, and hope that you’ll get better after what I did, and maybe some hope that I could one day be called your friend. This isn’t the case. I can see now that after 4 or 5 years, I’ll never be forgiven for what I did all those years ago. And if after all this time, after the apologies and the changing myself so I could never do to someone else what I did to you, that you still see me as the monster that I undoubtably was back then, then there’s nothing I can do. And if that really is the case, then I’m not going to try to fix the unfixable. I’m sick of feeling like there’s a hole in my chest because you’re still angry at me. Ya’ know, hope is a true hell, because as slim as the odds were that we’d someday move passed this, I still wanted so bad for us to resolve it positively. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to take it back, but that doesn’t mean anything to you. And you’ve finally killed that hope. I see now that you want to be angry, and you want to hold onto this, and that’s your hang up. So go ahead and wallow. Or don’t. Do what ever you want. Because for the first time in a long time, I don’t care about what you do. I couldn’t possibly care about someone who is as shallow to cut friends out of their life because they’re friends with your ex. After all this time, I finally see you turning into the monster. If I’m the cause of it, I apologize one last time. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that you have the capability of not acting like this, the same way I’ve changed in my life. Goodbye Jackie.
Sean and I are really debating what I should write about right now. Part of me feels like this isn’t a safe place anymore, so why not forget safety and tell the world exactly what happened between Ryan and I. Because, honestly, after an attack like this, I feel like I need to justify why I once had to pull over my car because I thought I saw him on the street and had a panic attack. I feel like I need to justify why, while I’ve forgiven him, I cannot be his friend, can’t risk misreading him again. I feel like I need to justify why my freshman year of high school is such a significant part of my life and who I am as a person.
But, at the same time, what happened between Ryan and I isn’t only my story to tell. If people who knew him read it, it would probably really change how they looked at him. People would judge him, just like my classmates judged me that year, because our story isn’t a simple argument between friends or your typical high school break up.
So, instead, I’m just going to comment on this vicious attack on something that had nothing to do with him. And I’ll try to stick only to what I’ve already talked about in my previous post.
What Ryan doesn’t understand, what he fails to see despite how much he can see that I’ve changed, is that I am so much better than I ever was with him or after him. I am a better person, I take better care of myself, I have a sense of self-worth. I’ve finally stopped letting the people in my life use me as a doormat – and that’s what I was for most of our relationship, and most of my friendship with Haley. A doormat. I let them walk all over me, let them push my feelings aside, and in turn began pushing my feelings aside. I thought that to be a good friend I had to always be there for people, even if they weren’t there for me. I thought I had to forgive people and open myself up to being hurt by them again. I am so much better now because I have a sense of self-worth, I have realized that my friendship is a privilege, not a right, and that I can take it away. I can forgive you for something without opening myself back up to you, without giving you back my friendship. I’ve forgiven Haley, I’ve forgiven Ryan, but that doesn’t mean I want to be hurt by them again. I know Haley hasn’t changed, and I can never know if Ryan has or not. I can’t trust him enough to know, because he’s told me he has so many times when he really hadn’t. There are too many lies in our past for me to ever whole-heartedly believe that.
The fact that he considers my thoughts on our past to be “wallowing” says a lot about how differently we see our freshman year of high school. To him, it seems to just be a bad spot in his life. Something he overcame, or whatever. But to me it was like being stuck in a pit. I don’t think I did anything for myself that year besides break up with him. Every other decision I made, including the one where I waited 2 or 3 months to break up with him, were for him. Because I cared about him, because I was absolutely terrified of him, because I thought that was what I had to do. To me, my freshman year was a defining moment for me – it was me at my all time low. Even in my three months of depression during my first year of college, I was not as lost and disgusting to myself as I was during that school year.
And finally, I would just like the clarify one last time that my decision to stop being friends with Haley has NOTHING to do with her friendship with Ryan. I never gave her an ultimatum, never said “stop being friends with him or we aren’t friends anymore.” I simply told her I saw it as a double standard, in hopes that we could talk about it. It was the last straw because it was just another incident in which I had serious hurt feelings and she couldn’t even be bothered to have a conversation with me about them. THAT is why I decided it was time to move on. Time to stop holding on to a one-sided friendship that caused me pain more than it ever supported me.
Wanting friends who care about and communicate with you is not shallow, it’s knowing that my friendship is worth something and that I deserve that. I am taking charge of my own happiness, and I will never apologize for that.