I just went down to the union to get my dinner, and I just keep thinking, and I’m just so incredibly unhappy all the time. Like, don’t get me wrong, there are these moments where I seem okay, and I laugh, and I don’t notice, but then, as quickly as those moments happen, they’re gone again and the sadness starts to creep back in. It’s like a hazy cloudy thing. That’s a terrible description. I’m reminding myself of how I felt last December, when I had no motivation and just wanted to sleep.
I feel like everything is becoming an argument between Sean and I and it terrifies me. I’m so scared, and the more we argue the worse it gets. I say things and he gets upset and I instantly regret opening my mouth because I feel like there is enough upsettedness happening without me being more needy or complaining about something else and us fighting more. And really what it all comes down to is that I am incredibly needy. Especially recently – in the past month (maybe less. probably less) I have become clingy and demanding, but also extremely self conscious I’m constantly afraid that I’ll do something wrong and mess up our relationship, the only (mostly) stable thing in my life right now. But as a result I don’t feel like I’ve been treating Sean very well. Especially in the past week. He keeps telling me I’m fine but I feel like I demand all of his free time and take him away from things he wants to do and I’m really just not very impressed with myself as a person or as a girlfriend.
I mean, he does so much for me so willingly, and he’s been so amazing and understanding and suppportive and I just keep asking for more.
I was actually doing okay a little bit ago – despite Sean and I having a tiny spat before and after my religion class. And then mom started texting me about apartments and dad and struggling and then Sean called and told me he needed to stay up late to play Madden and I convinced him not to, but then I felt like I was being pushy (me being pushy came up a few nights ago when he was playing a video game and I wanted to do something with him) and then he had to go to work after saying something I couldn’t understand and I’m left alone with my thoughts and none of them are good.
I’m tired of rambling now. I’m sad and hungry and my head hurts. And also now everyone who reads my blog probably thinks I’m crazy.
That’s okay though, I think I’m crazy too sometimes.
I really hope I’m not as terrible of a person as I feel like I am sometimes. Especially when it comes to Sean. I don’t know what I’d do without him and sometimes I’m afraid I’ll just keep getting worse until I lose him.