I never used to be angry. I’d get angry sometimes, but it never lasted long, especially when it had to do with people.
I was just sitting here thinking to myself how many grudges I’ve held over the past year. How many people I stayed mad at for months. When I was 14 I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, and I never held that against my ex. But now, at age 19, and through my 18th year especially, I held so many grudges. I forgave none of the people who hurt me until long after the fact, long after they’ve apologized and moved on themselves.
Why did I lose my forgiveness? Where did it go?
I think the biggest thing is just that my 18th year was a hard year. There were so many struggles. I think I wrote a blog about it, back around new years. I can’t find it, so maybe not. But my 18th year was tough. My parents relationship fell apart and back together more times than I can count during that year. Travis and I broke up, tried to make things work, etc a lot. Sean and I quit talking for a few months. I dealt with a lot of liars and just not very nice people. And I feel like somewhere in there I just got tired of dealing with everyones shit. I stopped accepting it. I stopped condoning it.
Part of me think thats probably for the best – it makes me less naive.
But part of me is also sad because I wasted more time than ever being angry that year.
Honestly. Sometimes I’m surprised I forgave Sean. I’m so so happy that I did, but I don’t even know WHY I did. I don’t know what in me decided that of all the people who wronged me in that short period of time, he was the one I’d forgive instantly.
And I wonder what he would have done if I didn’t.
That’s all. I was just thinking is all.
Peace, Love, and Rest,