On Anger And Letting Go

I never used to be angry. I’d get angry sometimes, but it never lasted long, especially when it had to do with people.

I was just sitting here thinking to myself how many grudges I’ve held over the past year. How many people I stayed mad at for months. When I was 14 I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, and I never held that against my ex. But now, at age 19, and through my 18th year especially, I held so many grudges. I forgave none of the people who hurt me until long after the fact, long after they’ve apologized and moved on themselves.

Why?

Why did I lose my forgiveness? Where did it go?

I think the biggest thing is just that my 18th year was a hard year. There were so many struggles. I think I wrote a blog about it, back around new years. I can’t find it, so maybe not. But my 18th year was tough. My parents relationship fell apart and back together more times than I can count during that year. Travis and I broke up, tried to make things work, etc a lot. Sean and I quit talking for a few months. I dealt with a lot of liars and just not very nice people. And I feel like somewhere in there I just got tired of dealing with everyones shit. I stopped accepting it. I stopped condoning it.

Part of me think thats probably for the best – it makes me less naive.

But part of me is also sad because I wasted more time than ever being angry that year.

Honestly. Sometimes I’m surprised I forgave Sean. I’m so so happy that I did, but I don’t even know WHY I did. I don’t know what in me decided that of all the people who wronged me in that short period of time, he was the one I’d forgive instantly.

And I wonder what he would have done if I didn’t.

 

That’s all. I was just thinking is all.

Peace, Love, and Rest,

Jacquelynn

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One thought on “On Anger And Letting Go

  1. I know how it feels being so angry. Throughout my high school career, I would also have a lot of angry feelings bottled up.

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