Maybe Everything Just Sucks at 3 AM?

Life has this habit of either being absolute wonderful or falling to pieces, but never really being somewhere in the middle.

Over the past few weeks my life has taken a turn for the falling to pieces. Between being sick, going in for tests, making new doctors appointments, radically changing my food habits (which is really hard because almost everything on campus is greasy and awful), trying to balance homework, workwork, sleep, and boyfriend, randomly starting a period mid pill-cycle, and getting a stye, I’m feeling kind of stressed about life.

 

At the beginning of the week I felt like I was drowning. My ct scan came back clear, I had no idea what was wrong with me, my stomach pain was getting worse, and I was just so scared. Scared and angry. My heart was full of rage with the universe. This wasn’t part of my plan – why am I sick? What is happening to me? WHY? I can’t even explain how angry I was – it was weird. I cried a lot earlier this week.

Then my dad mentioned my gallbladder, so I decided to alter my diet and see if it made a difference. I’ve barely eaten greasy foods since Tuesday. So long as I avoid grease, my stomach seems to do a lot better. I go to see a general surgeon on Thursday, hopefully he’ll have some insights into that.

Classes have been difficult this week. One of my professors is very understanding as a person but very hard to work with as a professor. She and I spoke before I missed class for my ct scan, and I thought we were on the same page, but she neglected to give me all the pieces I needed to complete our homework that was assigned that day until 9:30 the night before it was due. It was hectic, and resulted in not enough sleep.

I keep meaning to do work for home, so I can get paid, but it isn’t really happening. I feel so irresponsible and tired.

Now, even though my tummy pains are lessened, I’m having cramps from a random period. Like, I shouldn’t start my period for 2 more weeks, and here it is. *rolls eyes* with cramps and everything. It’s not helping.

Oh! And my laptop is messed up. Something is wrong with the battery. I’m taking it in for service this week. I don’t like the idea of leaving my baby with some stranger for a night :/

 

Just to top it all off, Sean and I have been a little up and down recently. There was a fight earlier this week, day before yesterday I think? And today I was missing him so bad – distance gets so hard sometimes – and we ended up having time for an impromptu date (an individual post on the movie to come), which was super exciting. But then it wasn’t so great. It ended up having a time limit because he has work tomorrow morning – I didn’t know that when we decided to have a date. And then my health issues came up and he didn’t like how long I planned on waiting for surgery, assuming it is my gallbladder. Since my gallbladder wouldn’t be a pressing issue, I’d probably wait until winter break to avoid missing classes. He told me how some people go back to work the day after the surgery, and the recovery time isn’t really a week, and it just made me uncomfortable…like I was doing something wrong waiting, even though it really is probably the best way to go, because I don’t know how I’ll handle the surgery (the only surgery I’ve had was for my tonsils, in second grade). Plus, I’d really like to be home in my own bed with my parents and family. With no homework or school stress.

We worked that out eventually, but I still feel weird. He told me he was just worried about me, and I get that, but he’s not the only one. I’m worried, my friends are worried, my parents are worried…at the same time I don’t feel like I should complain to much, he usually handles his worries a lot better than that.

It probably doesn’t help that the mood of our date was not the best – it started with “I have to be up early” and “tomorrow night I’ll be gaming with Sam” which just kind of bummed me out. Even though he then told me he may be free tomorrow night after all. I was just. Down.

 

I don’t know. I feel like the universe is trying to crush me.

And sometimes I feel like it’s working.

 

Dear universe,

isn’t the weight of school,

heavy enough?

I really think so.

So how about you take back my 20 bajillion health problems,

and maybe move north carolina a little closer to wisconsin,

and then leave me alone?

 

You gotta swim through nights that won’t end,
swim for your family, your lovers, your sisters and brothers and friends.

Just keep your head above ❤ 

 

Peace, Love, and Strength,

Jax

 

P.S. Sometimes I feel like I’m awfully selfish without meaning to be. I don’t think I asked Sean about work tonight. I so badly missed him and wanted to talk to him and see his face but I didn’t even bother to ask him how work was or how his day was or anything. I feel like I’ve done that a few times recently and it makes me feel bad. 😦

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