I knew last night as I crawled into bed that I really didn’t want to sleep.

I had this dream last night. It went like this: My friends and I are getting all excited, planning a huge trip to…somewhere. Somewhere awesome. A week before the trip, I go in and get some tests and scans taken care of, and find out that I am very sick. Way worse than just mono. It was so bad that I couldn’t go on the trip. And my friends didn’t even care, they just went on the trip without me.

 

I woke up really sad.

Like, probably more sad than I was when I went to sleep.

I really dont want to be any sicker than I am. We all know that I have abandonment issues – I’m scared enough of losing my friends and all the people I love as a perfectly healthy Jax, we really don’t need to throw in there the possibility of me being ill. I mean, being sick is scary, I’m so worried about that, but the idea of being sick and seeing all my friends move on without me, to lose them from my life because of something I can’t control…that terrifies me.

 

I feel like a dam inside me broke last night, and I have been flooded with nothing but sad and awful feelings ever since.

Nora being around really stresses me out. I don’t want it to, but it does. I have a hard time talking around her, because half the time she ignores me and because I know she really doesn’t want me there. It’s hard for me to look at her and think that she and I used to be close – that she was one of the first people at Carthage that I actually felt I could talk to. And now she’s more or less a stranger. And that still hurts. I strive to be a good friend, I have my entire life, and sometimes I still wrack my brain trying to figure out what I did to make her hate me. Because, honestly, I have no idea. Nobody does. But maybe if I knew I could fix it. Or at least be at peace with it.

 

I wish I was closer to Sofia and Andrew. Mostly Sofia – Andrew and I became good friends so easily, and talking to him and a piece of cake. But Sofia, not so much. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve never really had a close girl friend, or because it’s been like 6 years since I’ve had to really try to make a close friend (the perks and downfalls of small school systems). I want to be closer to her but I don’t know how to be.

I just want to stop feeling so alone.

Nora and Sof and Andrew and Ruth are all at six flags today. I’m in my dorm in bed on the computer. Why? I wasn’t invited. And I know it was Nora and Ruth’s plan and I understand why I wasn’t invited, but I just feel so alone, regardless. I wish someone would have at least told me that was happening before last night, when Sof asked Nora a question about tomorrow.

 

*sigh* I’m confusing myself.

I’m just so sad.

Please, somebody, fix me.

 

Peace, Love, and Understanding,

Jax

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