I’m so hurt right now.
I finally got up the nerve to tell people about my parents. I’ve been feeling kind of anti-social and just avoiding people recently, but tonight I put on real clothes and went to swing club, and told Daniel. There weren’t many other people there. At home later, I posted a facebook status. It said:
I expected to be more excited about getting the go-ahead to visit Sean for Thanksgiving…
And Haley commented with:
Probably because you’re a little sad the usual thanksgiving tradition isn’t going to happen?
Which isn’t the case.
What it is is I’m worried about leaving my mother alone for the holidays I don’t want her to be sad, even though she keeps assuring me she’s okay.
Either way, I figured that now it’s time to tell Haley. So I message her.
Me: “My parents are getting divorced.”
Haley: “I saw on your blog 😦
Why aren’t you excited then?”
I kept talking to her. It didn’t occur to me until a while later that Haley knew I was going through a hard time, she saw it on my blog, and didn’t even bother asking me if I was okay.
So I message her again – after we had stopped talking about her new dress and her trip for next summer and had been quite for a bit – and I ask her why she didn’t say anything to me. Why didn’t she ask if I was okay, or at least check on me?
She gives me a lot of reasons – her phone is on emergency minutes (the last 5 on her card), I was on a facebook hiatus, skype opens automatically but she doesn’t actually use it unless she’s talking to Noah, and, my personal favorite, she only saw my blog post in passing when she went to post her own blog, and she “didn’t think about it” after reading that one sentence.
Then she tells me, “I’m trying to keep my own life running, y’know? Lately I don’t feel like I’ve got much time for anything other than that.” and goes to bed.
And I’m left sitting here, furious.
Furious because someone I’ve considered a close friend since 7th grade, despite all her efforts back then to push me away, didn’t think to take 3 minutes out of her busy life to ask me if I was okay during what I would consider a life crisis. A complete stranger read my blog and reached out to me, but I completely slipped the mind of someone who knows me personally and has for a long time.
Furious because she had time to post tons of those silly should-be-on-tumblr pictures on her facebook, and talk to other people, do a for-fun photoshoot and post those photos on facebook, but she didn’t have three minutes to send me an email, or message me on any of the social media we both use, to say “hey, I hope you’re doing okay.” or even just post a ❤ on my wall.
Furious because she’s trying to keep her own life running, and doesn’t feel like she has time, while I’m working 9 to 5 monday through friday and spending almost all of my free time talking to my parents, because my mother needs the support right now more than I need to talk to my boyfriend, blog, write, read, draw, or really do anything I want to do.
I’m furious because I drop things for people all the time. I put off things I really want to do, delay my homework, bail on other friends, every time a friend is in need. I know I put off paper writing and lost sleep last school year when Haley needed me – I remember doing it. I do it for people all the time. And it’s not that I mind – I love being there for people. I’m so happy to be able to help and support the people I love.
But when I need support, when I need someone, you know who I have? No one. I mean, I have Sean, but, really, that’s about it. I don’t have many, if any, friends who would drop everything for me. June and Maggiey would most of the time, but Sean is the only person in my life who has done that every time I’ve needed someone. Without fail.
I just wish I could count on others the way I want them to be able to count on me.
For once in my life, I’d just like to be told “I’m here for you” without me feeling like I have to pull it out of someone tooth and nail.
This, plus the whole Jordan thing earlier this week, has me seriously doubting my friends right now.
Peace, Love, and Independence,