Love, feelings, and zoos

I think it’s funny how you can be with someone, and think “wow, this is what love feels like, this is what I want for the rest of my life.”

But then you and that person aren’t together anymore. And you’re with someone else, months or even years later, and you realize that you weren’t that happy. That the happiness you thought you had was no where near as amazing as it could have been. That there were so many things wrong that you didn’t realize were wrong. Things that were done, things that were said, and so on.

 

Sean and I were talking about that yesterday. He was telling me things he liked about being with me, things that he didn’t have in his last relationship that he didn’t necessarily recognize as something he would like, but that he likes now, I guess? It’s a bit hard to explain. It’s like, he said there were a lot of unhappy times in his last relationship, but he didn’t realize it then, because he had nothing to compare it to.

I thought it was interesting because when he said that I realized that I spent an entire year and a half or so with Travis, thinking I was happy, that I could live my life like that. And now I’m so happy and all I can think is “and I thought I was happy then, really?”

 

That and it’s all the little things. Like, Sean holds my hand ALL the time. And I love it. Travis never held my hand when we were in public. Just, things like that.

 

He also mentioned role-juggling – y’know, trying to be a lot of different people at once – in his case, a student, a son, a boyfriend, etc. He said he felt that way when he was dating Jessica, like he had to be all these different things, like he had a lot of different demands to meet. And I thought that was sad, because, well, I think relationships should be easy. You shouldn’t have to noticeably be someone different in a relationship – it should just come to you. That’s something else that makes me really happy – Sean and I are so easy. I mean, we just click. There hasn’t been any awkwardness. It’s all just…there.

 

I’m just so happy. I’m so happy he doesn’t feel like he has to work to be something different when we’re together. And last night, I was reading through one of his journals. He wrote some stuff about Jessica, but he also wrote about Travis, and my current friendship with him, and how it upsets him. I felt so bad – all I want is for him to be happy. I haven’t texted Travis since then. I don’t really want to, either. Besides the fact that I really don’t want to hurt Sean again ever, Travis isn’t a good friend. He’s rude, he’s annoying, he never has anything to say besides “cool” and “okay.”

 

All in all everything is awesome. I’m so happy. So is Sean. Everything is great.

I’ll post a picture from our zoo trip at the end of the post!

 

Peace, Love, and Aminals,

Jax

 

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