Honestly, there are like a billion things I want to talk about right now. I want to tell you all about my day at work, because a lot of funny things happened today – like the silent moment during our meeting where my boss and I both tapped at the rhythm of Brain Stew by Green Day at the exact same time. But I also want to tell you about my amazing dream, because it’s a lot of the reason why there are so many words itching to get out of my body right now. I also definitely want to tell you about the past three weeks, because I did some things I’m ashamed of, but a lot of good came out of it in the long run. I want to tell you how I’m feeling so, so, badly.
So last night I had this dream. In it I found myself wandering around Chicago, where I ran into Ryan Gosling. I was very okay with this, because Ryan Gosling is nice to look at and whatnot. Well, Ryan Gosling got me a job at a high-end fashion magazine. I spent the rest of this dream writing and designing for this magazine, while hanging out with Ryan Gosling. I was so content with this lifestyle, I could have easily slept in and been late for work.
But I didn’t.
I woke up, and I woke up with this overwhelming feeling swelling within me. It started in the pit of my stomach, and grew until it consumed my very core. I’ve gotten this feeling before – it’s one of the best feeling. It’s the feeling of my body telling me I want to do amazing things. I need to. Telling me to stop worrying and waiting and finding excuses to put these things off and to start. Now.
This feeling is a drive for me. It’s like ambition and inspiration all jumbled together into this powerful feeling that I have a hard time explaining. But that’s okay, because this feeling is why I decided to blog, why I made some life choices today, and why I printed off a short story I’ve been meaning to edit after work today.
I told a few people about this feeling. Important people, like Sean and Travis and Jordan. Jordan told me he understood, but he didn’t entirely. But he tried to. Sean encouraged me to write, to seize this feeling and roll with it 100%. Travis said “coolio.”
This is when something in my brain clicked. I just told you, someone I care about, something very thought out and huge and all you have to say is “coolio”?! This is unacceptable!
But this is where we need to back up. See, three weeks ago Travis came home from the Navy on leave. Travis came home, and I became an emotional roller coaster. I had a flood of emotions – my heart was screaming “hey, hey here is this boy that you love!” while my brain was irritatedly pointing out that that boy gave up on us months ago and there is another, much nicer boy, coming to visit me soon. As a side effect, I kind of didn’t talk to Sean much for the two weeks Travis was home. I felt awful, but I had a lot to figure out.
After Travis left I realized how much I truly care for and like Sean, but it really struck me again today. I don’t know why I love Travis – not even a little. I don’t have any reasons. He isn’t interested in me or my life, we barely talk, I put so much effort into starting conversations with him that go no where because they are incredibly one-sided.
And I read something today about how you shouldn’t fight to keep people in your life who don’t seem to want to be there.
So today I quit. I love Travis, I’ll openly admit as much, but I can’t be with him. I’d be so unhappy. I want to be with someone who supports me and encourages me, who challenges and stands by me, and who is interested in me. Someone like Sean.
Since then I haven’t really cared that Travis isn’t texting me back. I let him know I feel like I have to start our conversations or we’d never talk, and now I’m trying not to text him. Just so I can’t be let down again. And again. And again. Sean and I have talked a few times today, I spent time with friends, and I’m writing. Not a lot yet, but I have plans to do more tomorrow. I feel like I need to stop spending my time being lazy and watching tv, and work toward my life goals. Because my dream was pretty amazing, and I want a life with a job that I love so much that I look forward to waking up to go to it. I want to be as happy as I was in my dream – with or without Ryan Gosling.
Peace, Love, and the Best Dreams,
P.S. My dad told me tonight that he gave birth to one of his best friends. That made me so happy. It’s just been a real good day.