Sometimes, when I think about the past, I dunno, 5 or 6 months, my heart starts to beat faster and my stomach feels weird. It’s almost like I’m nervous. I don’t understand this physical reaction to a psychological thing that I also don’t understand. It happens very randomly. And quickly. Like, just now I was going through my Netflix Instant Queue and came across the movie All The Days Before Tomorrow – it was a movie Sean and I started watching back at the very end of October (the 29th, to be exact), right before things got bad. We hadn’t been finding much time for each other, and even then he didn’t get to finish the movie because his friend Matt came over before it was done. I remember being very disappointed. Much moreso than he, because, well…things were complicated. The same thing happened during that time when I tried to watch Doctor Who. And again when I ran across another movie we’d watched back when I was home, something we had both enjoyed. The title is escaping me now.

Pretty much all of this discomfort and weird feeling came rushing up and punched me in the stomach when I saw that movie though.

And I don’t know why. But it was/is uncomfortable. I don’t like it. I don’t want it here.

I’ve managed to thoroughly confuse myself without even doing anything.



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