Sometimes, when I remember how I’ve hurt Sean in the past, I get really upset. Because I never meant to hurt him, and never knew it right away. I always found out after the fact, from someone other than him, or in passing from him. And I’d feel so bad, because I never ever wanted to hurt him and all he had to do was the say the word and I would have done whatever I could to fix things.
That and sometimes I feel like all his friends blame me for all the hurt in our past situation. Josh always tells me how I did this, that, and the other thing. The hurt I caused is the primary reason Megan dislikes me. No one mentions any of my hurt, no one says “oh, well Sean walked away.” Not even the people who were there for me through the months following that, who know what it did to me.
But I don’t like to say that either, because, well, it doesn’t matter anymore. It was the past. I can’t dwell on that, and I know he’s sorry. And it wouldn’t be fair of me to hold on to that when I know he hasn’t held on to anything I’ve done to him in the past. And it wouldn’t fix anything. If we both held on to everything, we probably wouldn’t be friends anymore, much less as close as we are now.
I don’t want to turn this into something mushy about how much he means to me or anything.
He already knows it, and so do I.
I just was having a moment and needed to get somethings out of my head.
Peace, Love, and Forgiveness,