Pretty much a more personal than usual post

I wrote this during class today. Pre-emptive blogging? *headtilt*

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I have this problem where I can’t just sit in class and learn. If I don’t do something with my hands, I start biting my nails. At the moment, my thumb is bleeding.

Normally I make bracelets, but my Human Symbolic Activities professor finds it distracting. So no bracelet making for Jax.

Sean’s been on my mind a lot. I’m still trying to come to grips with everything. I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time with that. I’m so happy and everything he’s told me makes total sense. Granted, I definitely called most of that way before now – which could be part of it, I spent so long convincing myself I was wrong.

Part of it may also be that I convinced myself he didn’t care that much anymore – I’m sure that’s somewhere in one of these posts. But now he’s such a big part of my life (again) and he tells me how important I am to him. And I believe him. It’s just a little scary how quickly everything changed, howΒ easily he walked out of and back into my life.

 

I feel stupid because this keeps floating around in my head. I feel like I should wholly trust him and this, but, well…I don’t. But I want to. And I know I will – I just need time to see that he isn’tΒ goingΒ to walk away again. I think i’s bothering me because I’m trying to rush my own inner-process.

 

Solution: unless it comes up in conversation, I’m going to try not to think about it and just let things play out. Chillax and whatnot.

 

Something about our past came up as well. I feel almost like he lied to me. But he didn’t. It all comes back to trust.

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Yeah. That’s what I thought about today.

I feel bad because I worried him, and I don’t want him to be worried, because I care about him so much and I don’t want him to take something like this the wrong way and think that I don’t.

 

I feel a lot better now. I feel like thinking all of that through and getting it out of my head really helped with the whole inner-process thing.

 

I guess it’s just been a long time since I’ve trusted someone as much as I trusted Sean (almost 4 years of building a friendship does that, y’know?) and then had that get fucked up.

It’s weird.

 

On the upside, we’re talking right now πŸ™‚ And he makes me so very happy, I don’t even know how to put it into words sometimes.
And that’s how I know this will be okay. It’s Sean, why wouldn’t it be?

 

Peace, Love, and Time,

Jax

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