I Finally Believe It Will Be Okay <3

I’m feeling a lot better.

 

I called Sean tonight.
I said something things I needed to say.
I apologized for hurt I caused.

I was always so careful.
I think that’s what ended up causing the most hurt,
it turned everything into an emotional roller coaster.

I never wanted to hurt him.
(which is why I was careful.)

He’s my best friend, after all.

 

Another friend told me today that we hurt the ones we love.
Because they’ll forgive us.
And because we’re just so open with them,
that sometimes we don’t even realize we’re doing it until it’s too late.
Then you’re looking back one day,
and you’re like “oh my god, I can’t believe I did that…”

 

But yeah.
He reads my blog.
I feel weird writing this, knowing he’ll read it.
He said to be careful what I write.
I don’t see the point in that though.
There was a point where I would tell him everything,
most of the time I still will/do,
so why should him reading my blog be any different?

 

That was something else that made me feel a little better.
It’s going to sound silly, but knowing he reads my blog made me feel
more like he does still want to be a part of my life.
I’m not sure what happened, but he needs time.
But, he’s still reading my blog, so it’s not like he hates me and wants me gone forever.
That sounds really dumb.
It makes sense to me though.

 

I’m wondering if he checks it regularly,
or if he just knew that I would start back up this week,
after a month of silence.

 

I’ll probably never know.

 

But yeah.
That’s my update of the moment.
I’m going to go get a coffee,
then walk my butt over to the art center and paint while watching netflix.
I really want to go swimming.
I wish I knew the open swim hours in our pool.
[back of brain – that’s something Sean would be able to find no problem.
He’s pro at internet-ing.]

 

I’ll probably post something small later. I’m sure something will happen.
Or I’ll have some thought.
Or maybe post pics of my ongoing paint process.
It’s looking pretty good.
I’m rather proud of myself.

 

Peace, Love, and Pie,

Jax

(I know, I haven’t been using my signature sign-off recently. I’m sorry about that – I wasn’t really in a peace and love state of mind. I just needed to write.)

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