A Journey of the Heart, I Guess?

So, right at this moment I’m video chatting with one of the best friends I’ve ever had. And he knows I’m writing this. But when I post it, I’m not sure he’ll know. Or see it.

.

He’s playing Wow.
So he’s not really paying attention anyway.

.

I’ve been needing to vent about this friend, and the crazy ups and downs of our relationship, for a while now.

.

See, we’ve been superest duperest bestest friends (sdbfs) for 3 years now. I’m not sure I’ve ever met anyone quite like him, and very few people care about me the way he does (did?), and I’ve only cared for a few people to the extent that I care about him.

.

Either way, our friendship/relationship has been on the rocks for a couple months now. Here, this is a diagram of our friendship:

So yeah.
Some pretty confusing shit.

.

As I just summarized it in our conversation:

Sean tells me he likes me.
Sean insists he’s going to make me like him back.
He calls me lots of nice names and gives me funny looks and makes me feel all special.
Being in an bad emotional state from other relationship stuff,
and being as he was being really nice,
I started to develop some sort of feelings for him.
Then he quit feeling it.
Bam.
Just like that.
The end.

.

Anyway.
We just had a conversation about this.
And now my chest feels all tight and weird.

That started around the time that I started thinking (and he started talking) about the way he used to look at me.
Sigh.

.

[On a side note. When that topic came up, he said he could probably still give me that look…and I’m not sure how to take that, because that look didn’t start until the feelings he said he had started…so…]

.

sigh.

.

I don’t know what I was going to say when I started this. I never had much of a plan, besides maybe summarizing the situation. But now I’d like to ask, where does it go from here?

.

Tonight Sean asked me to video chat with him. We hadn’t talked in 3 days, and even that conversation was weak, as are many we’ve had recently.

.

Does this mean things are finally going to get better? Am I going to get my sdbf back?
Or should I be planning another downward slope to add to that diagram?

.

*sigh*

.

Additionally, this is the first time I’ve actually talked about any emotional connections to Sean in a really really long time. Moreso, it’s the first time I’ve talked about emotions with Sean in a long time.

.

It’s weird.

.

Even weirder, for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel like I’m walking on eggshells in our conversation. I mean, in some ways I sort of do, because I don’t really feel like spewing out a shit ton of emotions is going to help anything, but…it’s just been so long since we’ve talked like this…

.

It scares me a little.
And it scares me a little that he’s about to read this, like, as soon as I post it.

.

Oi, I think that’s all for now.

.

Peace, Love, and Sleep,

JaxibellaΒ 

Advertisements

One thought on “A Journey of the Heart, I Guess?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s