The Many Journeys of Jaxibella

I don’t really feel like typing a bunch of interesting stuff form my life (there has been interesting stuff though).

So, here, have some images that adequately express some emotion I have felt or am feeling.

<3

(I’m addicted to tumblr)

This one actually made me think of Sean. We used to joke about how if one of us were about to die, we'd call each other so we could at least talk one last time. *small side smile*

And finally!!!

Peace, Love, and good luck on your finals!

Jax

We had our final Christmas Fest performance today.

That was fun and all, but thank goodness it’s all over.

Now I have homework and laundry to do x__x

A few thoughts:

I like when someone tells you how much they value your friendship and they don’t want to ruin it with this-that-or-the-other-thing,
and then something comes between you. Really easily.
It’s almost like Mike and I weren’t really “friends” so much as two people who were interested in each other.
I wanted to be his friend. But he hasn’t spoken to me since yesterday evening,
and just sort of fell off the planet mid-what-I-thought-was-a-conversation.

*shrug*

That’s all Iv’e really got right now. I’m tired.

Peace, Love, and Music,

Jax

Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you overdramatize it or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to. – Sylvia Plath

So.

I’m over my anger regarding Mike. At least toward him.

I’d like to take that bitch down though.

I find the coincidence of the boys she’s dated that I’ve been interested in to be far too high.

Seriously, I’m starting to think she does this on purpose.

On another note, I’m worried about how this will affect my friendship with Mike.

But I’m trying not to think about it too much and let things play out for themselves.

As good as a friend as he’s been to me,

I was getting along fine on my own before him,

I am strong enough to handle life without him.

I stopped being angry with Sean today.

I don’t know why, I just decided I didn’t want to be mad anymore.

I don’t know why we’re not talking.

But I’m at peace with the situation.

I skype’d him – just said “hey.”

I figured if he answered, I’d ask how things are.

And if he didn’t (which he hasn’t), at least I’ve tried.

When he’s ready, I have faith that he’ll come to me.

I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to do with my winter break. I appear to have gained a lot of free time.

But right now, I have an essay to write.

Goodnight for now. Sleep well my lovely friends and readers.
Be strong in all your struggles. I have faith in each and every one of you.

Peace, Love, and Strength,

Jax

So, here, have a less passive aggressive account of what happened xD

Mike, the boy I went on a date with when I was home, has a girlfriend now.

I was hurt that he was flirting with me and missing me and making plans for when I come home, and then I got on facebook and he had a girlfriend.

I’m not hurt that they’re dating, I just wish he would have told me before facebook told me, y’know?

Well, he and I talked this morning. Turns out she gave him an ultimatum. Date me or quit talking to me.

Who does that, really?

And how come she ends up dating so many of my ex boyfriends, or people who shared a mutual interested with me?

Ugh.  (No seriously. She has dated two of my exes, and now Mike. That’s a lot of people to share?)

AND she just broke up with a boy like two days ago and posted all over about how she wasn’t a serious-relationship sort of person, and all that crap.

I’m glad he cared about me enough to just dive right into a relationship with this girl though.

Whatever.
When Travis and I agreed to see other people,
it was a decision to test our love and to let the other have a chance to find happiness with someone else.
All this has done is solidify how much I love Travis and want to be with him.
As happens with all of my affiliations with boys.

I don’t need this kind of drama and stress in my life.

I’m over it.

Moving on. Peace, Love, and Homework,

Jax

Addition:  Some conversations I found amusing today.

Me: Remember [girl name]?
Ma: Yeah, she dated ryan?
Me: And zander. And now Mike.
Ma: *laughs* omg, it’s like she’s everywhere

“considering your type
and her type (people with dicks)
and the fact that she’s had like dozens of other boyfriends
its probably more coincidence” – A friend, on the number of boys we’ve shared.

Everyone is going to hurt you. So really you shouldn’t trust anyone.

Even if they’re really nice and the first guy anywhere near you (even if it is 5 hours) who you’ve actually kind of liked, since, well…in about 2 years. Excluding your last boyfriend, and such.

Even if you wanted them to be different because they’re the first real-life boy who has made you happy, as opposed to making you miss the crap out of your non-boyfriend.

But. you don’t need them. You don’t need anyone. Not your sdbf (whatever that means), not that smart boy who was nice to you, not that boy in the navy, not the kids back home, no one.

Fuck this. I had a lot of awesome shit to blog about tonight but none of it fucking matters and it will all be there tomorrow morning when I’m not sad and hurting.

I hope all of you are happier than I’ve been.
You lovely people deserve it.

Jax.

This video.
Kind of makes my life right now.
Aside from the amount of creative awesomeness in it,
the music is FANTASTIC.

And, while I don’t relate to the song as I whole, some of it is very relatable.

Mmm. I love music.

So when we found that we could not make sense,
Well you said that we would still be friends,

But you didn’t have to cut me off -
Make out like it never happened,
And that we were nothing.
And I don’t even need your love,
But you treat me like a stranger,
And that feels so rough.

I guess that I don’t need that though,
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know… 

G’night everyone!
<3

Jax

So, I just got done with Christmas Fest rehearsal. It’s only, y’know, 7:30 at night.

On the upside, it’s going to be fucking magnificent.

On the other upside, I have a chocolate chip muffin.

Today was slightly disappointing.
I told a few of my friends the same thing I blogged last night.
How I feel pretty alone, I don’t feel like I have any one to really lean on,
and most of them gave me the generic “aww, i’m sorry” bullshit.
(by most I mean all but one).

And I’m not mad at them.
I don’t expect people to be there for me.
I was just a little hopeful is all.

But it’s okay.
I’ve got me.
*small smile*
And I’ll never be given more than I can handle,
no matter how impossible it seems right now.

I couldn't find anything inspirational, but I love Hyperbole and a Half.

Peace, Love, and No-Death,

^.~ Jax

I’m exhausted. I shouldn’t even be spending these few minutes on this blog. I should just pass out.

This week = hell

Christmas Fest is this weekend, we have 2-3 hour rehearsals every night for that.

I have 2 essays due Monday. I haven’t started either.

My art final is due next Thursday.

The week after that are exams.

I just want to die

Added to that I’m kind of lonely as hell.
I miss Travis. It hasn’t been long, but I already missed him so this is just worse.
I miss having someone to talk to. I don’t really have anyone anymore.
At least not anyone that really understands, that will listen for as long as I need them too.
That’s almost always there.

(it’s funny because, normally, when feeling this down, I’d just call someone. Travis, Sean, someone. I’m sure there are a few more people I’ve called crying, in need of someone to lean on for that moment. But. Were I to break down right this instant, I have no idea who I’d call. Because there is no one to call.)

I try not to think about how alone I am though.

I just keep remembering that I am strong and I can get through this.

I hope I’m not lying to myself.

No giving up.
I’ve got this.

Peace, Love, and Strength,

Jax

So. At 3:15 this morning, I asked my roommate to leave our room.

I was very stuttery and nervous about it, and I didn’t really want to,
but I really REALLY needed to sleep, and this was making it difficult:

 See, Whitney decided “hey, I’m going to crawl into bed at 7:30″ and I thought to myself, “wow, she’s going to bed early.”

She wasn’t going to bed. She was freaking napping.

Who naps at 7:30 at night?!

So she got up at 11:30 and did homework. Until, like, 5.

>.<

If  I were so tired I needed a nap at 7:30, I would probably push myself to do some more work, crawl into bed around 8:30, and just sleep until morning. Then get up a little earlier than I normally do and do more homework then. Makes more sense to me.

Now I’m going to go get around for classes and finish my homework.

Peace, Love, and More-Thoughtful-Roommates,

Jax

Goodnight folks <3

Jax